YOU'LL FIND BELOW A SELECTION OF JOKES DONATED

BY PETER SHEARS AND FRIENDS!

 

JOKES AND AMUSING ANECDOTES

  

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Vets office:

"All unattended children given free kitten"

Lot outside Vet's office in Silverton, OR:

"Parking for customers Only, others will be neutered."

In a Veterinarians waiting room:

"Be back in 5 minutes, Sit! Stay!"

Plumber:

"We repair what your husband fixed."

Pizza shop slogan:

"7 days without pizza makes one Weak."

At a tire shop in Milwaukee:

"Invite us to your next blowout."

Door of a plastic surgeons office:

"Hello, can we help pick your nose?"

Sign at the psychic's Hotline:

"Don't call us, we'll call you."

At a Towing Company:

"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."

Billboard on the side of the road:

"Keep your eyes on the road and stop reading these signs."

On an Electricians truck:

"Let us remove your shorts."

In a Nonsmoking Area:

"If we see smoking we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."

On Maternity Room Door:

"Push, Push, Push."

At an Optometrists Office

"If you don't see what your looking for you've come to the right place."

On a Taxidermist's window:

"We really know our stuff."

In a Podiatrist's office:

"Time wounds all heels."

On a fence:

"Salesmen Welcome, Dog food is expensive."

Outside a Muffler Shop:

"No appointment necessary, we'll hear you coming."

Inside a Bowling Alley:

"Please be quiet, we need to hear a pin drop."

In the front yard of a funeral home:

"Drive carefully, we'll wait."

In a counselors office:

"Growing old is mandatory, growing wise is optional."

Radiator repair shop:

"It's a great place to take a leak!"

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"It's just a cold," the doctor said. "There is no cure, and you'll just have to live with it until it goes away." "But Doctor," the patient whined, "it's making me so miserable." The doctor rolled his eyes toward the ceiling. Then he said, "Look, go home and take a hot bath. Then put a bathing suit on and run around the block three or four times." "What!" the patient exclaimed. "I'll get pneumonia!" "We have a cure for pneumonia," the doctor said.

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THE LAWS

"The Law of Common Sense" Never accept a drink from a urologist.

"The Law of Reality" Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.

"The Law of Self Sacrifice" When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last.

"Weiler's Law" Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself.

"Law of Probable Dispersal" Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.

"Law of Volunteer Labor" People are always available for work in the past tense.

"Conway's Law" In any organization there is one person who knows what is going on. That person must be fired.

"Iron Law of Distribution" Them that has, gets.

"Law of Cybernetic Entomology" There is always one more bug.

"Main's Law" For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.

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If you are young and you drink a great deal, it will spoil your health, slow your mind, make you fat-in other words, turn you into an adult. --P.J. O'Rourke

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IF their mothers were Jewish.

PAUL REVERE'S MOTHER: "I don't care where you think you have to go, young man, midnight is past your curfew."

MONA LISA'S MOTHER: "After all that money your father and I spent on braces, that's the biggest smile you can give us?"

COLUMBUS' MOTHER: "I don't care what you've discovered, you still could have written!"

MICHELANGELO'S MOTHER: "Can't you paint on walls like other children? Do you have any idea how hard it is to get that stuff off the ceiling?"

NAPOLEON'S MOTHER: "All right, if you aren't hiding your report card inside your jacket, take your hand out of there and show me."

ABRAHAM LINCOLN'S MOTHER: "Again with the stovepipe hat? Can't you just wear a baseball cap like the other kids?"

MARY'S MOTHER: "I'm not upset that your lamb followed you to school, but I would like to know how he got a better grade than you."

ALBERT EINSTEIN'S MOTHER: "But it's your senior picture. Can't you do something about your hair? Styling gel, mousse, something . . .?"

GEORGE WASHINGTON'S MOTHER: "The next time I catch you throwing money across the Potomac, you can kiss your allowance good-bye!"

JONAH'S MOTHER: "That's a nice story. Now tell me where you've really been for the last three days."

THOMAS EDISON'S MOTHER: "Of course I'm proud that you invented the electric light bulb. Now turn it off and get to bed!"

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Sorry:

There was a tradesman, a painter called Jock, who was very interested in making a penny where he could, so he would often thin down paint to make it go a wee bit further.

As it happened, he got away with this for some time, but eventually the Baptist Church decided to do a big restoration job on the painting of one of their biggest churches. Jock put in a bid, and because his price was so low, he got the job.

And so he set to erecting the trestles and setting up the planks, and buying the paint and, yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with turpentine. Well, Jock was up on the scaffolding painting away, the job nearly completed, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder, the sky opened, and the rain poured down, washing the thinned paint from all over the church and knocking Jock clear off the scaffold to land on the lawn, among the gravestones, surrounded by telltale puddles of the thinned and useless paint. Jock was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he got on his knees and cried: "Oh, God! Forgive me! What should I do?" And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke

...

...

Page down...

... "Repaint! Repaint! ... and thin no more!"

--

A man in a bar stands up and proclaims, "All Lawyers are ASSHOLES!"

A man at the front of the bar stands up and says, "Hey! I resent that!"

So the first man asks, "Why are you a lawyer?"

"NO! I'm an asshole!"

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"Fred forgets everything!" the sales manager complained to his secretary. "It's a wonder he can sell anything. I asked him to pick me up some sandwiches on his way back from lunch, and I'm not sure he'll even remember to come back."

Just then the door flew open, and in bounced Fred....

"You'll never guess what happened!" he shouted. "While I was at lunch, I met Old Man Spencer, who hasn't bought anything from us for five years. Well, we got to talking and he gave me this half-million dollar order!"

"See that..." sighed the sales manager to his secretary. "I told you he'd forget the sandwiches."

--

Ali offers:

> > The Presidential Clock. > > > > Our good buddy Bill Clinton was assigned a new intern named Sally. Being > the > > polite gentleman he is, Bill went to visit Sally and ask her if she > needed > > any questions answered. She said no, so Bill asked, "Have you seen the > > presidential clock yet?" > > Sally replied, "I haven't even heard of the presidential clock." Bill > then > > replied, "Well let's go to my office, so I can show it to you." Sally > was > a > > little taken aback, and she stated, "With all the problems you've had > > lately, I don't think we should." > > > > Then Bill said, "Ahh, it's just a clock and I promise I won't try > anything." > > Sally then agrees to go with him. > > > > Bill leads her to the Oval Office, shuts and locks the door behind them > and > > then drops his pants to the floor. Sally is flabbergasted and says, "Mr. > > President, that is the presidential cock, not the presidential clock." > Bill > > looks at her and says, "Sally, by my definition, if you put two hands > and > a > face on it, it's a clock."

--

>From Bevo:

>A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding, and the trooper >started to lecture the farmer about his speed, and in general began to >throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable. > >Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket, and as he was >doing that he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his >head. The farmer said, "Having some problems with circle flies there, are >ya?" > >The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said--"Well yeah, if that's what >they are--I never heard of circle flies". > >So the farmer says--"Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they're >called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the >back end of a horse." > >The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. Then after a >minute he stops and says, "Hey...wait a minute, are you trying to call me a >horses' ass?" > >The farmer says, "Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law >enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horses' >ass." > >The trooper says, "Well, that's a good thing," and goes back to writing the >ticket. > >After a long pause, the farmer says, "Hard to fool them flies though."

--

Sid, as usual, is in debunking mode:

Some archaeologists were exploring when they came upon a cave. Written across the wall of the cave were the following symbols, in this order of appearance: A woman, a donkey, a shovel, a fish, and a Star of David.

They decided that this was a unique find and the writings were at least three thousand years old. They chopped out the piece of stone and had it brought to the museum where archaeologists from all over the world came to study the ancient symbols.

They held a huge meeting after months of conferences to discuss the meaning of the markings. The president of the society stood up and pointed at the first drawing and said:

"This looks like a woman. We can judge that this race was family oriented and held women in high esteem. You can also tell they were intelligent, as the next symbol resembles donkey, so, they were smart enough to have animals help them till the soil.

The next drawing looks like a shovel of some sort, which means they even had tools to help them. Even further proof of their high intelligence is the fish which means that if a famine had hit the earth, whereby the food didn't grow, they would take to the sea for food. The last symbol appears to be the Star of David which means they were evidently Hebrews."

The audience applauded enthusiastically.

Suddenly a little old man stood up in the back of the room and said, "Fucking Idiots! Hebrew is read from right to left. The message says, "Holy mackerel, dig the ass on that chick!"

--

Part of Jim's opening salvo:

___ A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing nothing but a pair of shorts made from plastic wrap. The psychiatrist says, "Well,... I can clearly see you're nuts!"

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>From Jane:

A father and his 12 year old son went into a local pharmacy to pick up a prescription. While in the store, the boy was browsing around and came > > > > upon a > > > > rather large display for condoms. The boy looked at all the brightly > > > > colored > > > > packages and the different types and quantities. Then, suddenly, the >boy > > > > finds > > > > his father and asks him, > > > > "Daddy, what are all these things called condoms?" =A0The father > > stuttered, > > > > and > > > > said, "Well, they are used for protection, son. =A0 They are used when >a > > man > > > > and > > > > a woman make love, to protect the woman from getting pregnant and >also > > to > > > > protect against sexually transmitted diseases. The boy contemplated >the > > > > concept for a few moments and then asked, "Then why do these come in >a > > > > package > > > > of three? The father coyly answered, "Those are for young men in >high > > > > school. > > > > One for Friday night, Saturday night, and Sunday afternoon." >"UH-HUH" > > > > said > > > > the boy, "then, > > > > why are these in packages of six?" =A0 The father smirked, "Those ar= e >for > > > > young > > > > men in college. There are > > > > two for Friday night, two for Saturday, and two Sunday afternoon." > > > > "WOW" said the little boy in amazement. He then asked, "Well, then, >why > > > > are > > > > these packaged a dozen at a time?" The father answered, "Those, my >son, > > > > are Ø > > > for married men. One for January, one for February...."

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